once upon a time...

When I was a little girl, I had big dreams for what I wanted to be when I got old enough. I couldn't wait to experience life as a "grown-up." To be able to drive a car, to be "big enough" to go to high school, to have a boyfriend, and so on. It was an exciting adventure to dream every day of who I'd become. I remember days on end of playing "house" outside on our swing set, pretending that I had the perfect job, and an amazing family that I was caring for. (even though the job, the husband, and the children were all fake. :)) It was always fun to dream as a child...because everything back then seemed possible. Dreams of being an astronaut, or a celebrity, or even a school teacher seemed so easy to reach, that thoughts of how to get there didn't even cross our mind.

I remember as a child, being so excited to grow up, to start living these dreams, that some days I forgot to just be a child. To enjoy where I was at in my life. And that one day, instead of dreaming to be a grown-up, I'd be dreaming to be a child again. To have not a care in the world, not a job to worry about, and definitely not the stress of where your life is headed. To be able to sit on the playhouse each and every day in your backyard, enjoying the simpleness of life.

If I knew then, what I know now...and where life has taken me, I'd be astounded. I wouldn't understand why it is so hard to obtain your dreams, and why it takes so much work to fill the desires of your heart. I just simply wouldn't understand...

Life definitely has its ups and downs. Good times and bad times. Times of regret and times of thankfulness. Times of sorrow and times of happiness. As I learn to continue pushing through this thing called life, I'm learning to focus on the good things that God has provided. I'm focusing on the person I've become because of struggles and hardships I've had to endure, as well as the times of joy and laughter. Each individual season of my life has taught me a lesson or two, and has continually shaped my heart and mind into the person that God is shaping me into.

Are there times when I just don't feel good enough? And that I've had enough? Absolutely. But then I'm reminded of all the amazing things that God has provided in my life, and I'm forced to refocus my thoughts. I'm forced to push all the hurt, pain, and hopelessness aside of not being where I wanted to be at this age, and forced to look at the good things I have. Important things that I should be focusing on, rather then dwelling on what I don't have.

My desires are going to keep me fighting until the day I die. Even if it means that every once in awhile I break down and cry, because some days, fighting for your desires seems like the hardest thing you've ever done. And many times, you feel so alone fighting for them, that you just don't have the strength to keep on fighting. But, I will continually cry out to God, and he will provide me with the rest and assurance that tomorrow is a new day. And that even though I need to keep fighting, he will show me the great dreams that will come out of the battles that I've won. Even if right now, I can't see it.

Once upon a time, I dreamed of big plans for my adult life. And once upon a time, I dreamed of being a child again. However, God is showing me that Once Upon A Time...He died on the cross for me, for my sins, and gave me the strong desires to be a child of God. To live my life Christ-like, even when it seems so hard. And your life is spinning out of control. I just need to open my eyes, and see how far I've come...since I was that little girl, dreaming dreams in the backyard of my childhood home.